Greetings, Alan Throttle here. As my counterpart Chance Rollick informed the masses, we at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' conduct tireless research on a daily basis. This research often takes us to places the average human being is not willing to go. But, us intellectuals at the 'Pipeline' bypass our own sanity to go to these undesirable places.

The most recent experiments conducted in our state of the art laboratory have revealed a shocking truth that the general public will not likely accept...right away. After multiple sleepless nights here at Alaskan Pipeline Headquarters, our tireless work has exposed a hard truth. The truth being that the oceans in their entirety here on Earth are in fact MEANT for our man made wastes. Elaboration shall ensue below.

WHY WE MUST USE THE OCEAN AS A GARBAGE RECEPTACLE:

Reason 1: Why would our Creator entitle us with such a large sum of the Earth that we cannot walk on? Surely, it is meant for vast use. If we have been blessed with such a space, we are obligated to use it intelligently.

Reason 2: Landfills are eyesores. What kind of imbecile wishes to see the the waste of others piled under our beautiful green ground.

Reason 3: Trash is incredibly abhorrent to our senses. Especially, our sense of smell. Why would we knowingly inhale fumes of toxicity when there is a vast place to submerge material.

Reason 4: We put our pets in great danger every day that we keep trash above water. Even subterranean trash can harm out pets. As any critically thinking man would know, DOGS DIG HOLES. Can you name a time you have seen a dog swim deep into the ocean or scale the surface of it? Neither can I.

Reason 5: Edible waste can be consumed by sea creatures that might not have been able to feed themselves otherwise.


My sympathies are extended to those who might argue against these 5 principles.


Exquisitely,
Alan Throttle