Scientific Study Confirms What We Have All Been Thinking

A recent scientific study conducted by Harvard University has confirmed what we have all been thinking: that what we have all been thinking is true. The groundbreaking research is taking the world by storm; "I haven't seen anything like this in my lifetime," said Dr. Dirk Diggler, an expert in the field. This study is being corroborated by another study conducted by Oxford University in the United Kingdom, as well as the Japanese Institute for Science. While there may be some skeptical figures in our midst, the evidence is quickly stacking up in our favor.

Alan Throttle here again.

After a short period in Sin City amongst men with the sniffles, prostitutes, and troughs of alcoholic beverage, I have come to an extraordinary revelation. I was born to live in Las Vegas. I reached this realization halfway through a patch of what an acquaintance of mine informed me is known as "booger sugar." Enjoying this sugary substance off the crevasses of multiple lovely ladies reminded me of the frigid chill and thrill of Alaska. I am even afraid to admit, for a moment, my person felt more like an Alaskan in the Nevada desert than it ever did on The Last Frontier.

I sure am not implying that Las Vegas is better than any part of Alaska, but I sure do recommend my fellow Pipeliners to visit Viva Las Vegas.

Deviated Septumly,
Alan Throttle

We are proud to announce our endorsement in the Alaskan primary

Since journalistic enterprises tend to endorse candidates for the presidency, we here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are also endorsing a candidate. Her name is Sarah Palin, and she is feisty. The former governor and former TV star is the best person to beat Donald Trump, not only in the general election but in the Republican primaries as well.


Bill Weld just doesn't stand a chance.

While it may seem long a long shot, we sincerely believe that if we can get Sarah to win the state primary, she might have a chance at being taken up by the RNC at the convention. The thing is, Palin is certainly more intelligent than the President, she knows more about middle America than the President does, and she is kind of sexy (even in her 50s!).

Mark Bloomberg!

We at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are happy to announce that Mark Bloomberg, the former mayor of Chicago, has won the American Samoa primary! Way to go Mark!

Speaking of primaries, we will be endorsing our own special, big surprise candidate before the Alaskan primary. It is going to be a spectacle!

Thank you, dear readers, for your precious time,

Sincerely,

Chance Rollicks

3 Reasons Why You Should Be Reading The Alaskan Pipeline

1) We believe in science.
2) We believe in science
3) We believe in science 

Bonus:
ALASKA
 

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Greetings, Alan Throttle here. As my counterpart Chance Rollick informed the masses, we at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' conduct tireless research on a daily basis. This research often takes us to places the average human being is not willing to go. But, us intellectuals at the 'Pipeline' bypass our own sanity to go to these undesirable places.

The most recent experiments conducted in our state of the art laboratory have revealed a shocking truth that the general public will not likely accept...right away. After multiple sleepless nights here at Alaskan Pipeline Headquarters, our tireless work has exposed a hard truth. The truth being that the oceans in their entirety here on Earth are in fact MEANT for our man made wastes. Elaboration shall ensue below.

WHY WE MUST USE THE OCEAN AS A GARBAGE RECEPTACLE:

Reason 1: Why would our Creator entitle us with such a large sum of the Earth that we cannot walk on? Surely, it is meant for vast use. If we have been blessed with such a space, we are obligated to use it intelligently.

Reason 2: Landfills are eyesores. What kind of imbecile wishes to see the the waste of others piled under our beautiful green ground.

Reason 3: Trash is incredibly abhorrent to our senses. Especially, our sense of smell. Why would we knowingly inhale fumes of toxicity when there is a vast place to submerge material.

Reason 4: We put our pets in great danger every day that we keep trash above water. Even subterranean trash can harm out pets. As any critically thinking man would know, DOGS DIG HOLES. Can you name a time you have seen a dog swim deep into the ocean or scale the surface of it? Neither can I.

Reason 5: Edible waste can be consumed by sea creatures that might not have been able to feed themselves otherwise.


My sympathies are extended to those who might argue against these 5 principles.


Exquisitely,
Alan Throttle

Hello, World.

Hello, World,

My name is Chance Rollick, and this is 'The Alaskan Pipeline.' Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' Alan Throttle and I look at what really matters. By day, we conduct experiments in our lab and by night we fight injustice by blogging about it.

The world just isn't fair sometimes, especially in Alaska. We hope that we can share our thoughts and make the world just a little better, one step at a time.

Yours,

Chance Rollick


NOTICE: We do not and never have had a connection to the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline nor do we represent the views of that business or the handsome, burly men that work on it.