Protests in Anchorage

(Photo from June 2nd in Anchorage)

The protests against the police have finally reached Alaska, and I was on the front lines as both an activist and as a journalist. It is unbelievable what I saw yesterday, so I'll just let pictures do the storytelling.

Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.

My Time in a Cock Cage - A Review of a Week in Pain

     
I made it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I made it. I made it one whole damn week wearing a contraption quite similar to the one pictured above. I did it for science, and, more importantly, I did it for journalism.

I have long heard of those men, some odd variant of 'cucks,' who wear these contraptions. It prevents them from getting a true and proper boner while their misses are being fadoodled by other men. I had long wondered what it must feel like to be trapped in one of those machines. This last week, I found out.

One week ago, my cock cage arrived at Alan and I's pandemic cabin outside of Fairbanks. Obviously, it wasn't a good idea to allow somebody who might be carrying that dreaded plague so close to our abode, but I had a cock cage to try on, and Alan had to get to training with his set of five-pound weights.

Shamefully, I locked my cock in my tiny little silvery cage. I handed Alan the key and told him not to set me free for a week. Oh, what dread, what misery did my precious little cock feel in this last week. Oh, I wish I were dead. I couldn't get a boner, and I couldn't perform my weekly masturbatory ritual. When I peeed, it leaked out of a hole and all over the floor. I envied free men and learned to hate those who expose themselves to this sort of suffering.

Please, God, if you are there, do not let me ever undergo something like this ever again. I have learned what agony means. I think I might have some sort of yeast infection and, therefore, now know how women feel.

Until next time....Chance Rollicks...signing off.

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

Weekly Update

Hey, everybody,

Chance here. It's time for our weekly update. As aspiring journalists, it's hard for Alan and I to get to writing articles all of the time. Our mundane day jobs exhaust us, and my parents restrict my access to a computer.

Further, the American-made coronavirus has kept us indoors. I'm at my family's cabin outside Fairbanks for the next two months foraging for blueberries. I have no idea where Alan is.

Anyways, we've been actively at work on Twitter trying to pull in some more followers who are interested in serious journalism. We've conducted a few interviews with some particularly interesting people and hope to be sharing those with you all soon. If you're into any number of excluded subcultures, you'll find our interviews tantalizing.

Thank you

CHANCE ROLLICKS 

We are proud to announce our endorsement in the Alaskan primary

Since journalistic enterprises tend to endorse candidates for the presidency, we here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are also endorsing a candidate. Her name is Sarah Palin, and she is feisty. The former governor and former TV star is the best person to beat Donald Trump, not only in the general election but in the Republican primaries as well.


Bill Weld just doesn't stand a chance.

While it may seem long a long shot, we sincerely believe that if we can get Sarah to win the state primary, she might have a chance at being taken up by the RNC at the convention. The thing is, Palin is certainly more intelligent than the President, she knows more about middle America than the President does, and she is kind of sexy (even in her 50s!).

Mark Bloomberg!

We at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are happy to announce that Mark Bloomberg, the former mayor of Chicago, has won the American Samoa primary! Way to go Mark!

Speaking of primaries, we will be endorsing our own special, big surprise candidate before the Alaskan primary. It is going to be a spectacle!

Thank you, dear readers, for your precious time,

Sincerely,

Chance Rollicks

Top 3 Reasons Grandma Is Ready To Die

1) Medicare For All Won't Pay For Itself
Free and universal healthcare is something we desperately need in this country. If Alaskans want to be more progressive, like our neighbors in Canada, we should consider the pros and cons. One of those cons is letting go of some of the baggage. As Mayor Bloomberg has dutifully pointed out, there is no cure for cancer, and a 95-year-old isn't likely to make it anyways. On the bright side, this might be a pro too. Old folk smell bad, and they have shitty, racist stories about someplace called Vietnam and like boomer music like Alice in Chains.

2) She's Already a Drain on the System
Why does Grandma get to have free healthcare and social security? That sort of money should be going to younger folk who have a future. Oldies already got to get cheap housing back in the 70s, now it is our turn. Do these raisins expect to live forever or something?

3) Old Folks are Keeping Progress Back
I shouldn't have to say it, but Grandma's use of the word 'colored' is problematic. Also, old folks aren't big fans of transgendered rights, and few of them understand the plight of sex workers. A good number of them believe in things like 'God' and deny science, so it is the duty of scientists like us to be deniers about them! If it wasn't for old people, not only would we not have President Trump, but we could have had a President Bernie!