My Time in a Cock Cage - A Review of a Week in Pain

     
I made it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I made it. I made it one whole damn week wearing a contraption quite similar to the one pictured above. I did it for science, and, more importantly, I did it for journalism.

I have long heard of those men, some odd variant of 'cucks,' who wear these contraptions. It prevents them from getting a true and proper boner while their misses are being fadoodled by other men. I had long wondered what it must feel like to be trapped in one of those machines. This last week, I found out.

One week ago, my cock cage arrived at Alan and I's pandemic cabin outside of Fairbanks. Obviously, it wasn't a good idea to allow somebody who might be carrying that dreaded plague so close to our abode, but I had a cock cage to try on, and Alan had to get to training with his set of five-pound weights.

Shamefully, I locked my cock in my tiny little silvery cage. I handed Alan the key and told him not to set me free for a week. Oh, what dread, what misery did my precious little cock feel in this last week. Oh, I wish I were dead. I couldn't get a boner, and I couldn't perform my weekly masturbatory ritual. When I peeed, it leaked out of a hole and all over the floor. I envied free men and learned to hate those who expose themselves to this sort of suffering.

Please, God, if you are there, do not let me ever undergo something like this ever again. I have learned what agony means. I think I might have some sort of yeast infection and, therefore, now know how women feel.

Until next time....Chance Rollicks...signing off.

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH FURRIES?

Alan Throttle here.

When you hear the word "furry," you probably think of your pet dog, hamster, or favorite rug. Apparently, furry means something else, and let me tell you, reader discretion is advised. 

Chance and I ventured deep into the Twitterverse in search of interesting people to interview, and oh boy did we find a few...

In the Continental United States there is a community of repugnant humans that dress up as animals and engage in orgies. They call themselves "furries".

Upon requesting any and all furries to explain themselves to us via Twitter, a furry named "Ender" reached out to the official Pipeline Twitter account. We asked him(?) for a general description of the furry lifestyle and we were met with a slightly obtuse response. Ender told us that furries "act like they're humans in public" to avoid scrutiny from society. Ender however, implied that he got into the lifestyle because he was interested in the artistic aspects, whatever those might be remain undisclosed. He(?) did also imply that the furry community is most definitely sexual in nature (like we didn't already know that).

In the furry lifestyle, race is non existent. However, in place of race, furries have various species. A list of species that roam the furry universe was given to us by Ender:

-canine

-feline

-cervine (is that even a thing?)

-reptile

-avian

-other creatures that "walk on two legs"

Ender considers himself a hyena because he likes spotted colors and laughing, and no, I'm not joking. I do however wonder if the stereo-typically powerful species are prejudice towards the weak ones. I like to imagine a furry lion establishes sexual dominance over all other furry creatures, just as Alan Throttle the Lion would do. They're freaky, but not prevalent in Alaska, so whatever. 

Furrily,

Alan Throttle

Weekly Update

Hey, everybody,

Chance here. It's time for our weekly update. As aspiring journalists, it's hard for Alan and I to get to writing articles all of the time. Our mundane day jobs exhaust us, and my parents restrict my access to a computer.

Further, the American-made coronavirus has kept us indoors. I'm at my family's cabin outside Fairbanks for the next two months foraging for blueberries. I have no idea where Alan is.

Anyways, we've been actively at work on Twitter trying to pull in some more followers who are interested in serious journalism. We've conducted a few interviews with some particularly interesting people and hope to be sharing those with you all soon. If you're into any number of excluded subcultures, you'll find our interviews tantalizing.

Thank you

CHANCE ROLLICKS