Protests in Anchorage

(Photo from June 2nd in Anchorage)

The protests against the police have finally reached Alaska, and I was on the front lines as both an activist and as a journalist. It is unbelievable what I saw yesterday, so I'll just let pictures do the storytelling.

Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.

Scientific Study Confirms Superiority of Twitter Users

A recent controversial study conducted by Harvard scientists, found at the link here, confirms what we have all known all along: Twitter users are genetically superior to non-Twitter users. In fact, the study goes as far as suggesting that the average non-internet user is genetically superior to the average YouTuber, but still far behind the base Twitter user. Twitter users have more gray brain matter, bigger biceps, less body fat, and paler skin. They also know how to use big words and the difference between there, they're, and their. YouTubers on average were found to be either chubby wubbly losers with neckbeards/permavirgins or preteens.

While the Twitter community is rejoicing at the news, the YouTube community still hasn't figured out how to read.

Ignorance is bliss.


- Chance Rollicks

How to Chat Up 21st Century Boys - A Guide for Gays

 NOTICE. This article was written in collaboration with our friend and fan of the blog Harvey Dawson. The thoughts are Harvey's, the words are Chance's. This article should not be misconstrued to suggest that either Chance Rollicks or Alan Throttle have ever been in a sexual relationship with a man other than the local youth pastor.



We are now two decades into the 21st-century, and it is increasingly difficult to chat-up hot, oiled-up boys. Now that homosexuality is more accepted by society, gay men don't give it up so easily. We too have become bourgeoise and coy about our desires.  In the past, the average stuff-muffin beefcake would fuck and suck as much as he could because he didn't know where his next dick would come from. Now conversation and dating are what the hunkiest hunky-hunks expect. Boy times have changed. Now even Grindr is full of pacified gays looking for relationships and conversations about what is best in life. What are we? Lesbians?

Tyrese says no. I say no too.
 

I wanted to give some tips on how I chat up guys. Hot guys like Tyrese. No fatties, no wimps, only pure big-muscled Athenian boys and Spartans with humungous javelins.

It's really oh so simple. First, you just need to send a nice hot message to their inbox:



Second, well, there is no second. After sending a hot message like this, most guys (particularly straights) will reject what you lay on the table. They aren't ready for their steaming hot TV-Dinner yet. What you need to do is continue to chat them up. Say sorry. Compliment them. Even the straights will try not to come across as homophobic and will continue talking to you. That is when you can begin to exploit their latent homosexuality. Nobody is purely heterosexual."Ever been curious, young man?" "It's like putting a beer bottle in your mouth, handsome."

That is how you start talking to qt-ies on the internet today. From there, it is only an oily, slippery slope to the bedroom and, yes, maybe even a manly relationship between two handsome Adonises.

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

Does this Crisis Show that it is Time for Alaska to Secede?

With great trepidation, I ask myself this question every day now. I was raised as a good 'American' and believe that this Union is 'indivisible and with justice for all.' I know that even the idea of secession has been tainted by its racist legacy and the evils associated with it. It is no surprise that it was the South, the worst part of the country by all means, that seceded in the Civil War because of, you guessed it, racism and oft threatened to under President Obama because of, you guessed it racism.

But sometimes, I wonder. We are now in a time of crisis. Trump, who I will not call "President," has been allowing Americans to suffer needlessly. In fact, he probably likes it. It's no wonder that the states hardest hit by this scourge have been the ones he hates the most. It's no wonder that he has tried his hardest to keep PPE and ventilators for states, racist states, that support him like redneck Alabama and incestuous Georiga. Once upon a time, Republican-types seceded from this nation because they couldn't deal with living with good liberals like us. Now it is time for some of us to think of seceding from them.

Alaska, in reality, should have always been its own country. We are separated from the continental United States by Canada. We are culturally more adventurous and have a distinct flavor. I think this is, in large part, to the Native American communities of our state.

Our secession from the Union, and perhaps annexation by Canada, would give us the opportunity to write a Constitution of our own. If we progressives played our cards right, we could make sure we have enough seats at the ratification debates and get us a few nice things, like Medicare-For-All and a Constitutionally-guaranteed right for a woman to choose. I'd suggest we limit the powers that former Republicans can hold, for racism, and that that can be held by "Bernie Bros," for misogyny. The Founding Fathers limited the power of Tories (aka Conservatives, which is not a coincidence), why shouldn't we?

More importantly, we'd be able to devote large parts of Alaska to conservation. This state would no longer be under threat from the federal government. They would no longer have the ability to arbitrarily exploit our land or our resources. We would be free.

Perhaps some people have had deeper thoughts on this?

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH FURRIES?

Alan Throttle here.

When you hear the word "furry," you probably think of your pet dog, hamster, or favorite rug. Apparently, furry means something else, and let me tell you, reader discretion is advised. 

Chance and I ventured deep into the Twitterverse in search of interesting people to interview, and oh boy did we find a few...

In the Continental United States there is a community of repugnant humans that dress up as animals and engage in orgies. They call themselves "furries".

Upon requesting any and all furries to explain themselves to us via Twitter, a furry named "Ender" reached out to the official Pipeline Twitter account. We asked him(?) for a general description of the furry lifestyle and we were met with a slightly obtuse response. Ender told us that furries "act like they're humans in public" to avoid scrutiny from society. Ender however, implied that he got into the lifestyle because he was interested in the artistic aspects, whatever those might be remain undisclosed. He(?) did also imply that the furry community is most definitely sexual in nature (like we didn't already know that).

In the furry lifestyle, race is non existent. However, in place of race, furries have various species. A list of species that roam the furry universe was given to us by Ender:

-canine

-feline

-cervine (is that even a thing?)

-reptile

-avian

-other creatures that "walk on two legs"

Ender considers himself a hyena because he likes spotted colors and laughing, and no, I'm not joking. I do however wonder if the stereo-typically powerful species are prejudice towards the weak ones. I like to imagine a furry lion establishes sexual dominance over all other furry creatures, just as Alan Throttle the Lion would do. They're freaky, but not prevalent in Alaska, so whatever. 

Furrily,

Alan Throttle

Weekly Update

Hey, everybody,

Chance here. It's time for our weekly update. As aspiring journalists, it's hard for Alan and I to get to writing articles all of the time. Our mundane day jobs exhaust us, and my parents restrict my access to a computer.

Further, the American-made coronavirus has kept us indoors. I'm at my family's cabin outside Fairbanks for the next two months foraging for blueberries. I have no idea where Alan is.

Anyways, we've been actively at work on Twitter trying to pull in some more followers who are interested in serious journalism. We've conducted a few interviews with some particularly interesting people and hope to be sharing those with you all soon. If you're into any number of excluded subcultures, you'll find our interviews tantalizing.

Thank you

CHANCE ROLLICKS 

Alan Throttle here again.

After a short period in Sin City amongst men with the sniffles, prostitutes, and troughs of alcoholic beverage, I have come to an extraordinary revelation. I was born to live in Las Vegas. I reached this realization halfway through a patch of what an acquaintance of mine informed me is known as "booger sugar." Enjoying this sugary substance off the crevasses of multiple lovely ladies reminded me of the frigid chill and thrill of Alaska. I am even afraid to admit, for a moment, my person felt more like an Alaskan in the Nevada desert than it ever did on The Last Frontier.

I sure am not implying that Las Vegas is better than any part of Alaska, but I sure do recommend my fellow Pipeliners to visit Viva Las Vegas.

Deviated Septumly,
Alan Throttle

We are proud to announce our endorsement in the Alaskan primary

Since journalistic enterprises tend to endorse candidates for the presidency, we here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are also endorsing a candidate. Her name is Sarah Palin, and she is feisty. The former governor and former TV star is the best person to beat Donald Trump, not only in the general election but in the Republican primaries as well.


Bill Weld just doesn't stand a chance.

While it may seem long a long shot, we sincerely believe that if we can get Sarah to win the state primary, she might have a chance at being taken up by the RNC at the convention. The thing is, Palin is certainly more intelligent than the President, she knows more about middle America than the President does, and she is kind of sexy (even in her 50s!).

Mark Bloomberg!

We at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are happy to announce that Mark Bloomberg, the former mayor of Chicago, has won the American Samoa primary! Way to go Mark!

Speaking of primaries, we will be endorsing our own special, big surprise candidate before the Alaskan primary. It is going to be a spectacle!

Thank you, dear readers, for your precious time,

Sincerely,

Chance Rollicks