We are proud to announce our endorsement in the Alaskan primary

Since journalistic enterprises tend to endorse candidates for the presidency, we here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are also endorsing a candidate. Her name is Sarah Palin, and she is feisty. The former governor and former TV star is the best person to beat Donald Trump, not only in the general election but in the Republican primaries as well.


Bill Weld just doesn't stand a chance.

While it may seem long a long shot, we sincerely believe that if we can get Sarah to win the state primary, she might have a chance at being taken up by the RNC at the convention. The thing is, Palin is certainly more intelligent than the President, she knows more about middle America than the President does, and she is kind of sexy (even in her 50s!).

Mark Bloomberg!

We at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' are happy to announce that Mark Bloomberg, the former mayor of Chicago, has won the American Samoa primary! Way to go Mark!

Speaking of primaries, we will be endorsing our own special, big surprise candidate before the Alaskan primary. It is going to be a spectacle!

Thank you, dear readers, for your precious time,

Sincerely,

Chance Rollicks

Top 3 Reasons Grandma Is Ready To Die

1) Medicare For All Won't Pay For Itself
Free and universal healthcare is something we desperately need in this country. If Alaskans want to be more progressive, like our neighbors in Canada, we should consider the pros and cons. One of those cons is letting go of some of the baggage. As Mayor Bloomberg has dutifully pointed out, there is no cure for cancer, and a 95-year-old isn't likely to make it anyways. On the bright side, this might be a pro too. Old folk smell bad, and they have shitty, racist stories about someplace called Vietnam and like boomer music like Alice in Chains.

2) She's Already a Drain on the System
Why does Grandma get to have free healthcare and social security? That sort of money should be going to younger folk who have a future. Oldies already got to get cheap housing back in the 70s, now it is our turn. Do these raisins expect to live forever or something?

3) Old Folks are Keeping Progress Back
I shouldn't have to say it, but Grandma's use of the word 'colored' is problematic. Also, old folks aren't big fans of transgendered rights, and few of them understand the plight of sex workers. A good number of them believe in things like 'God' and deny science, so it is the duty of scientists like us to be deniers about them! If it wasn't for old people, not only would we not have President Trump, but we could have had a President Bernie!