I always thought that I was one of those people who always stood firmly on the side of progress. A teenaged me was was tempted to purchase a forged ID off of a sketchy classmate just to be able to register to vote. I was going to vote for President Obama because he deserved it after all of his hard work saving the country from the mess that George 'Dubya' Bush and the Republicans had recreated. I figured I'd get caught and embarass the progressive cause, so I gave up on that one. In 2016, I handed out pamphlets for Madam Rodham-Clinton. I figured that if she didn't win, the world would come to an end. I realize now that many of my fears were exaggerated, but Trump, who I will not refer to as 'President,' needs to be voted out of office this fall. Otherwise, I fear for the worse.
Despite my progressive credentials, I didn't always act like a good progressive. I held some views that were, well, a bit sexist. I always believed, I always claimed that women were entitled to the same things as men and that their advancement should be supported by affirmative action. Still, I thought that I was certainly better than all women in one thing: hand-to-hand combat.
I thought that my male strength and body size was an advantage, but one day I got my ass kicked by a woman. That changed my perspective forever and led me down a path of repentance.
It was a few years ago now, I believe in 2017. Alan and I drove up to Fairbanks from Anchorage. We spent a couple of weeks hanging out with my cousins, who are local to the Fairbanks area. One night, we all went out to a local bar visited by local people. The place was like something out of an old movie. I thought I was on the set of "Roadhouse." People were even smoking in there, which I think is against Alaskan law. The bartenders didn't seem to care. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Somebody even did coke off of a table in the corner.
Not long after settling into my seat, I saw the most beautiful, the most scintillating woman I ever saw in my life. I ordered margarita after margarita trying to get drunk enough to be confident enough to chat her up. I was terrified, shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her beauty. She had long blonde locks and thick red lips. Her eyes, I presumed, were hazel. Eventually, I worked up the courage to approach her from across the room. She noticed me as I approached her.
"Yes?" she asked.
"I just wanted to let you know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," I slurred.
"I appreciate the compliment, but I am taken," she replied.
"By whom?" I said, always sure to use my who and whom correctly.
"By her," she pointed to a large butch woman next to her. This woman was large, buff, tattoed, and had an eyebrow ring of a viper. I began to laugh.
"Something funny?" the butch lady snarled.
"Oh, no. No," I started, "I just thought that was a joke."
"No, that wasn't a joke, but this is," the butch proceeded to splash her drink in my face. It burnt my eyes. She continued by tearing off my glasses and throwing them across the bar. They split in two as they hit the wall. I was as blind as a bat and helpless in the dark, smoky room. Still sitting, the butch lady threw her thick knee into my crotch and told me "to get the fuck out" of her sight.
I spent the remainder of the evening, hell, the rest of my two-weeks in Fairbanks, with swollen testes and broken glasses. I got my ass kicked by a woman. That night, I learned that no matter what a man can do, there is always a woman who can do better.
