Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.