Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

Does this Crisis Show that it is Time for Alaska to Secede?

With great trepidation, I ask myself this question every day now. I was raised as a good 'American' and believe that this Union is 'indivisible and with justice for all.' I know that even the idea of secession has been tainted by its racist legacy and the evils associated with it. It is no surprise that it was the South, the worst part of the country by all means, that seceded in the Civil War because of, you guessed it, racism and oft threatened to under President Obama because of, you guessed it racism.

But sometimes, I wonder. We are now in a time of crisis. Trump, who I will not call "President," has been allowing Americans to suffer needlessly. In fact, he probably likes it. It's no wonder that the states hardest hit by this scourge have been the ones he hates the most. It's no wonder that he has tried his hardest to keep PPE and ventilators for states, racist states, that support him like redneck Alabama and incestuous Georiga. Once upon a time, Republican-types seceded from this nation because they couldn't deal with living with good liberals like us. Now it is time for some of us to think of seceding from them.

Alaska, in reality, should have always been its own country. We are separated from the continental United States by Canada. We are culturally more adventurous and have a distinct flavor. I think this is, in large part, to the Native American communities of our state.

Our secession from the Union, and perhaps annexation by Canada, would give us the opportunity to write a Constitution of our own. If we progressives played our cards right, we could make sure we have enough seats at the ratification debates and get us a few nice things, like Medicare-For-All and a Constitutionally-guaranteed right for a woman to choose. I'd suggest we limit the powers that former Republicans can hold, for racism, and that that can be held by "Bernie Bros," for misogyny. The Founding Fathers limited the power of Tories (aka Conservatives, which is not a coincidence), why shouldn't we?

More importantly, we'd be able to devote large parts of Alaska to conservation. This state would no longer be under threat from the federal government. They would no longer have the ability to arbitrarily exploit our land or our resources. We would be free.

Perhaps some people have had deeper thoughts on this?

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH FURRIES?

Alan Throttle here.

When you hear the word "furry," you probably think of your pet dog, hamster, or favorite rug. Apparently, furry means something else, and let me tell you, reader discretion is advised. 

Chance and I ventured deep into the Twitterverse in search of interesting people to interview, and oh boy did we find a few...

In the Continental United States there is a community of repugnant humans that dress up as animals and engage in orgies. They call themselves "furries".

Upon requesting any and all furries to explain themselves to us via Twitter, a furry named "Ender" reached out to the official Pipeline Twitter account. We asked him(?) for a general description of the furry lifestyle and we were met with a slightly obtuse response. Ender told us that furries "act like they're humans in public" to avoid scrutiny from society. Ender however, implied that he got into the lifestyle because he was interested in the artistic aspects, whatever those might be remain undisclosed. He(?) did also imply that the furry community is most definitely sexual in nature (like we didn't already know that).

In the furry lifestyle, race is non existent. However, in place of race, furries have various species. A list of species that roam the furry universe was given to us by Ender:

-canine

-feline

-cervine (is that even a thing?)

-reptile

-avian

-other creatures that "walk on two legs"

Ender considers himself a hyena because he likes spotted colors and laughing, and no, I'm not joking. I do however wonder if the stereo-typically powerful species are prejudice towards the weak ones. I like to imagine a furry lion establishes sexual dominance over all other furry creatures, just as Alan Throttle the Lion would do. They're freaky, but not prevalent in Alaska, so whatever. 

Furrily,

Alan Throttle

Weekly Update

Hey, everybody,

Chance here. It's time for our weekly update. As aspiring journalists, it's hard for Alan and I to get to writing articles all of the time. Our mundane day jobs exhaust us, and my parents restrict my access to a computer.

Further, the American-made coronavirus has kept us indoors. I'm at my family's cabin outside Fairbanks for the next two months foraging for blueberries. I have no idea where Alan is.

Anyways, we've been actively at work on Twitter trying to pull in some more followers who are interested in serious journalism. We've conducted a few interviews with some particularly interesting people and hope to be sharing those with you all soon. If you're into any number of excluded subcultures, you'll find our interviews tantalizing.

Thank you

CHANCE ROLLICKS