Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

My Time in a Cock Cage - A Review of a Week in Pain

     
I made it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I made it. I made it one whole damn week wearing a contraption quite similar to the one pictured above. I did it for science, and, more importantly, I did it for journalism.

I have long heard of those men, some odd variant of 'cucks,' who wear these contraptions. It prevents them from getting a true and proper boner while their misses are being fadoodled by other men. I had long wondered what it must feel like to be trapped in one of those machines. This last week, I found out.

One week ago, my cock cage arrived at Alan and I's pandemic cabin outside of Fairbanks. Obviously, it wasn't a good idea to allow somebody who might be carrying that dreaded plague so close to our abode, but I had a cock cage to try on, and Alan had to get to training with his set of five-pound weights.

Shamefully, I locked my cock in my tiny little silvery cage. I handed Alan the key and told him not to set me free for a week. Oh, what dread, what misery did my precious little cock feel in this last week. Oh, I wish I were dead. I couldn't get a boner, and I couldn't perform my weekly masturbatory ritual. When I peeed, it leaked out of a hole and all over the floor. I envied free men and learned to hate those who expose themselves to this sort of suffering.

Please, God, if you are there, do not let me ever undergo something like this ever again. I have learned what agony means. I think I might have some sort of yeast infection and, therefore, now know how women feel.

Until next time....Chance Rollicks...signing off.

Getting My Ass Kicked by a Woman Changed My World

I always thought that I was one of those people who always stood firmly on the side of progress. A teenaged me was was tempted to purchase a forged ID off of a sketchy classmate just to be able to register to vote. I was going to vote for President Obama because he deserved it after all of his hard work saving the country from the mess that George 'Dubya' Bush and the Republicans had recreated. I figured I'd get caught and embarass the progressive cause, so I gave up on that one. In 2016, I handed out pamphlets for Madam Rodham-Clinton. I figured that if she didn't win, the world would come to an end. I realize now that many of my fears were exaggerated, but Trump, who I will not refer to as 'President,' needs to be voted out of office this fall. Otherwise, I fear for the worse.

Despite my progressive credentials, I didn't always act like a good progressive. I held some views that were, well, a bit sexist. I always believed, I always claimed that women were entitled to the same things as men and that their advancement should be supported by affirmative action. Still, I thought that I was certainly better than all women in one thing: hand-to-hand combat.

I thought that my male strength and body size was an advantage, but one day I got my ass kicked by a woman. That changed my perspective forever and led me down a path of repentance.

It was a few years ago now, I believe in 2017. Alan and I drove up to Fairbanks from Anchorage. We spent a couple of weeks hanging out with my cousins, who are local to the Fairbanks area. One night, we all went out to a local bar visited by local people. The place was like something out of an old movie. I thought I was on the set of "Roadhouse." People were even smoking in there, which I think is against Alaskan law. The bartenders didn't seem to care. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Somebody even did coke off of a table in the corner.

Not long after settling into my seat, I saw the most beautiful, the most scintillating woman I ever saw in my life. I ordered margarita after margarita trying to get drunk enough to be confident enough to chat her up. I was terrified, shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her beauty. She had long blonde locks and thick red lips. Her eyes, I presumed, were hazel. Eventually, I worked up the courage to approach her from across the room. She noticed me as I approached her.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I just wanted to let you know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," I slurred.

"I appreciate the compliment, but I am taken," she replied.

"By whom?" I said, always sure to use my who and whom correctly.

"By her," she pointed to a large butch woman next to her. This woman was large, buff, tattoed, and had an eyebrow ring of a viper. I began to laugh.

"Something funny?" the butch lady snarled.

"Oh, no. No," I started, "I just thought that was a joke."

"No, that wasn't a joke, but this is," the butch proceeded to splash her drink in my face. It burnt my eyes. She continued by tearing off my glasses and throwing them across the bar. They split in two as they hit the wall. I was as blind as a bat and helpless in the dark, smoky room. Still sitting, the butch lady threw her thick knee into my crotch and told me "to get the fuck out" of her sight.

I spent the remainder of the evening, hell, the rest of my two-weeks in Fairbanks, with swollen testes and broken glasses. I got my ass kicked by a woman. That night, I learned that no matter what a man can do, there is always a woman who can do better.