Why We Need a Dwarf President (Preferably Black)

The history of American Presidents has been male, pale, and stale. Out of all 45 Presidents we've had, only one has been a POC despite POCs making up more than a quarter of the country's population. One must also take into account that woman make up 51% of the population but have been a whopping 0% of all Presidents.

How are POC and women supposed to thrive in a country that doesn't give them political power?

I believe it is time we start implementing affirmative action efforts in politics despite the qualifications or party of the person in office.

But with all of this talk about minority and women Presidents, I think we have forgotten another neglected segment of our society: the handicapped. Sure, FDR had polio, and Buchannan was gay, but we've never really made progress on that front.

It is my sincere recommendation that we begin thinking about electing more people with dwarfism to political office, perhaps even to the Presidency.





Anybody who has suffered a life with dwarfism has already suffered more than any President in history and will, therefore, more emphatic to his or her constituents.

It would also send a message to the world that anybody can make it in America.

Bud Light made me gay

It has become a recent, needed feature of American life that companies show their solidarity with the gay community. There is no better way to prove bigots wrong. We have the mighty on your side, they have the scum of the earth. Every June, companies around the world show their support by making their products and social media extra-gay friendly. Rainbow flags here, a lesbian couple there, it's all really great.

But I want to thank them for more than just that. I want to thank them because Bud Light made me gay.

A few years ago, I was straight. Actually, I still identify primarily as straight. However, for one special night in 2015, I was gay because of Bud Light.

It all started when I walked into that bar and ordered a Bud Light with lime. A couple of nice fellas approached me and sparked up a conversation. They were enchanting, and one of them bought me a few more Bud Lights with lime. As the night went on, I got drunker and wilder, and the room started getting hotter and hotter. I started feeling tremendously horny, but, to my chagrin, there were no ladies in the bar that night.

I'll spare the dirty details, but I want to once again thank the Budweiser corporation and those handsome young men for what happened next.

Protests in Anchorage

(Photo from June 2nd in Anchorage)

The protests against the police have finally reached Alaska, and I was on the front lines as both an activist and as a journalist. It is unbelievable what I saw yesterday, so I'll just let pictures do the storytelling.

Fox News Should Be Illegal

Fox News should be illegal.

There, I said it.


Fox News has been spreading hate, lies, and stoking racial hatred for decades.

It's time to bring them to an end.

Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Yes, Blushing is White Privilege

Blushing is white privilege. Yes, you heard me. Blushing is white privilege.

White privilege shows up in all sorts of unexpected ways. Dark-skinned peoples cannot run safely; they cannot shop safely; they cannot drive safely. While all of these seem to be incredibly obvious ways white supremacy shows up in our daily lives, white supremacy works under the surface as well.

One socio-biological example of white supremacy in action is the social-construct surrounding blushing. Blushing is a privilege that white people get. It allows them to show anger, embarrassment, and affection in a way that other people simply CAN'T. This has dangerous consequences.

When a white man is angry, other people can see it and will stop angering him. When a black man is angry, others may not notice it and may resort to killing him.

If a white woman is embarrassed, people will stop saying things to her that cause her embarrassment. If a brown woman is embarrassed, nobody can notice this immediately.

If we want we be good white people, we need to recognize our everyday privileges.

Why Simpin' Is Cool

It's hard out there for a simp. In the last few weeks, the 'simp' meme has been taking the internet by storm. Good men like myself are being called simp, or ''sucker idolizing mediocre pussy,' for following, adoring, and supporting cam girls on the internet.

I think it is important for good conscience journalists like myself to take it upon themselves to defend the simp cause. I'm a simp for many reasons, and I'd like to take the time and put my blog to good use. Here are five reasons why being a simp is cool.

1) Feminism 

For all of history, we've been talking about HIS story, but it is time to talk about HER story. Men have expected women to fawn over them for generations, heck, centuries. We never called those women simps. We called them adoring wives or loyal. If a patriarchal man who uses women for his sexual pleasure is sometimes called a pimp, why shouldn't feminist men be simps?


2) The Pleasure

We all have our own fetishes. Some men, often called 'masochists,' get pleasure out of being put in there place. Unlike a lot of the negative and reactionary elements in our society, I think pleasure is a good thing! If you enjoy being put in your place by women, then go for it!


3) Capitalism 

Well, the internal contradictions of capitalism. Capitalism forces us to live to work. By supporting ladies in their underwear online, you are allowing them to exhaustless energy under our capitalist system.

4) The Environment

It is no secret that the environment is under threat (see 'Capitalism' above). One way we can help the environment is by having less or children. Devoting all of your energy and resources to a woman who will never love you back will prevent you from having kids, thus saving the environment.

5) Boobies

Did we mention boobies? (.)(.) tee-hee