Getting My Ass Kicked by a Woman Changed My World

I always thought that I was one of those people who always stood firmly on the side of progress. A teenaged me was was tempted to purchase a forged ID off of a sketchy classmate just to be able to register to vote. I was going to vote for President Obama because he deserved it after all of his hard work saving the country from the mess that George 'Dubya' Bush and the Republicans had recreated. I figured I'd get caught and embarass the progressive cause, so I gave up on that one. In 2016, I handed out pamphlets for Madam Rodham-Clinton. I figured that if she didn't win, the world would come to an end. I realize now that many of my fears were exaggerated, but Trump, who I will not refer to as 'President,' needs to be voted out of office this fall. Otherwise, I fear for the worse.

Despite my progressive credentials, I didn't always act like a good progressive. I held some views that were, well, a bit sexist. I always believed, I always claimed that women were entitled to the same things as men and that their advancement should be supported by affirmative action. Still, I thought that I was certainly better than all women in one thing: hand-to-hand combat.

I thought that my male strength and body size was an advantage, but one day I got my ass kicked by a woman. That changed my perspective forever and led me down a path of repentance.

It was a few years ago now, I believe in 2017. Alan and I drove up to Fairbanks from Anchorage. We spent a couple of weeks hanging out with my cousins, who are local to the Fairbanks area. One night, we all went out to a local bar visited by local people. The place was like something out of an old movie. I thought I was on the set of "Roadhouse." People were even smoking in there, which I think is against Alaskan law. The bartenders didn't seem to care. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Somebody even did coke off of a table in the corner.

Not long after settling into my seat, I saw the most beautiful, the most scintillating woman I ever saw in my life. I ordered margarita after margarita trying to get drunk enough to be confident enough to chat her up. I was terrified, shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her beauty. She had long blonde locks and thick red lips. Her eyes, I presumed, were hazel. Eventually, I worked up the courage to approach her from across the room. She noticed me as I approached her.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I just wanted to let you know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," I slurred.

"I appreciate the compliment, but I am taken," she replied.

"By whom?" I said, always sure to use my who and whom correctly.

"By her," she pointed to a large butch woman next to her. This woman was large, buff, tattoed, and had an eyebrow ring of a viper. I began to laugh.

"Something funny?" the butch lady snarled.

"Oh, no. No," I started, "I just thought that was a joke."

"No, that wasn't a joke, but this is," the butch proceeded to splash her drink in my face. It burnt my eyes. She continued by tearing off my glasses and throwing them across the bar. They split in two as they hit the wall. I was as blind as a bat and helpless in the dark, smoky room. Still sitting, the butch lady threw her thick knee into my crotch and told me "to get the fuck out" of her sight.

I spent the remainder of the evening, hell, the rest of my two-weeks in Fairbanks, with swollen testes and broken glasses. I got my ass kicked by a woman. That night, I learned that no matter what a man can do, there is always a woman who can do better.

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH FURRIES?

Alan Throttle here.

When you hear the word "furry," you probably think of your pet dog, hamster, or favorite rug. Apparently, furry means something else, and let me tell you, reader discretion is advised. 

Chance and I ventured deep into the Twitterverse in search of interesting people to interview, and oh boy did we find a few...

In the Continental United States there is a community of repugnant humans that dress up as animals and engage in orgies. They call themselves "furries".

Upon requesting any and all furries to explain themselves to us via Twitter, a furry named "Ender" reached out to the official Pipeline Twitter account. We asked him(?) for a general description of the furry lifestyle and we were met with a slightly obtuse response. Ender told us that furries "act like they're humans in public" to avoid scrutiny from society. Ender however, implied that he got into the lifestyle because he was interested in the artistic aspects, whatever those might be remain undisclosed. He(?) did also imply that the furry community is most definitely sexual in nature (like we didn't already know that).

In the furry lifestyle, race is non existent. However, in place of race, furries have various species. A list of species that roam the furry universe was given to us by Ender:

-canine

-feline

-cervine (is that even a thing?)

-reptile

-avian

-other creatures that "walk on two legs"

Ender considers himself a hyena because he likes spotted colors and laughing, and no, I'm not joking. I do however wonder if the stereo-typically powerful species are prejudice towards the weak ones. I like to imagine a furry lion establishes sexual dominance over all other furry creatures, just as Alan Throttle the Lion would do. They're freaky, but not prevalent in Alaska, so whatever. 

Furrily,

Alan Throttle

The Mysterious Worlds of Cuckoldry, Sex Work, and E-Girls

Over here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' we have been doing a deep dive into the dark underworld of sex work. Well, not really, not quite. As it turns out, this world is no longer so dark, nor is it still 'the underworld.' In fact, it is right before our eyes in full-color. It is on our computer monitors and on our phones. It can be accessed rather easily through Twitter.
I suppose one could claim that there is a Twitter 'underworld,' but they'd be mistaken. Unlike the days of yore, one doesn't have to go far or wander into an unseemly part of town to find what one is looking for.



While I've been sitting in my Alaskan wilderness cabin escaping the pending doom of the coronavirus and munching away at bearberries, Alan Throttle has been busily traveling the Twitterrealm to get the inside scoop on e-girls. Unfortunately, some of these girls are as secretive as a Masonic Lodge and as greedy as a two-bit Televangelist. Most refuse to answer our questions. Most demanded some sort of monetary recompense.








Of course, I don't want to sound cruel at all. Life is hard. Time is money. Alan Throtte's Purell breath can be smelt from a mile away and, some might say, even via computer monitor. I'd probably ignore him too.  One lady, not an e-girl per se but a master 'alpha female,' was kind enough to answer our questions on the 'cuckold' lifestyle. Cuckoldry has made a bit of a comeback in recent years. It is now a term of derision nearly as frequently as it was in Shakespeare's time.






Queen Mia (@miaandrewsxo) on Twitter was kind enough to answer a few of Alan Throttle's questions and was quite helpful. Apparently, there is a good deal of money to go around.





I personally can't imagine giving up my money to be put in my place, but whatever floats peoples' metaphorical boats. Frankly, if these guys really are into such things, it is better that they pay women like Queen Mia to treat them like dirt rather than annoy the rest of society with their masochistic tendencies. In an earlier time, these men might have visited actual brothels and have been put at risk. In the digital world, there are few (if any) violent pimps. There is a lack of associated gang violence, drugs, disease, etc. It's also much more anonymous. If anybody objects to the proliferation of prostitution, they must recognize the world of e-girls as a step up. Queen Mia's work is hardly pornographic, and it fulfills the desires of the weaklings that adore her enough to keep them away from risky business.


 (Picture provided with permission by Queen Mia)

Still, the exploitive nature of many of these interactions is a serious concern. The relative ease in which somebody could enter into this world removes the numerous opportunities to reconsider one's actions that existed in the pre-internet age.

So what about the other side of the equation?

Alan Throttle managed to score a private interview with a man who calls himself a "submissive." The man's identity will remain anonymous, but his comments give us an insight into this world. He says he has always been submissive, and that nobody knows his secret, not even his friends.

Yet, he may never live a life as a submissive man. He wants to, like many of us, live a traditional life. When asked if he would ever be a cuckold, he answered: 






This is all, of course, just scratching the surface. Our investigative journalism might just take us further, deeper into this world.