1) We believe in science.
2) We believe in science
3) We believe in science
Bonus:
ALASKA
Monday, February 24, 2020
Friday, February 21, 2020
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Again, Alan Throttle
After a slight mishap involving a rental agreement, and much time spent consulting with 'Alaskan Pipeline' attorneys, Chance and I have reinstated our lease at Pipeline headquarters. With the aforementioned issues elaborated on, AND RESOLVED, it's time for business.
Transgender athletes, or as they have been called "people, just like you and me" have been ransacking legitimate sports organizations in recent years. Well, Alan Throttle won't stand for it. None of us want to see man-ladies dunking on dainty power forwards in the WNBA. I shouldn't say none of us, because I know a few degenerates that would.
I am officially announcing my endorsement for a Transsexual Sports Organization that specifically recruits those of the human race that chop away, or add to their natural born appendages that wish to compete in organized athletics. I hereby seek nomination as an executive of any 'TSO' and declare myself seeking employment with such organization.
LGBTQly,
Alan Throttle
After a slight mishap involving a rental agreement, and much time spent consulting with 'Alaskan Pipeline' attorneys, Chance and I have reinstated our lease at Pipeline headquarters. With the aforementioned issues elaborated on, AND RESOLVED, it's time for business.
Transgender athletes, or as they have been called "people, just like you and me" have been ransacking legitimate sports organizations in recent years. Well, Alan Throttle won't stand for it. None of us want to see man-ladies dunking on dainty power forwards in the WNBA. I shouldn't say none of us, because I know a few degenerates that would.
I am officially announcing my endorsement for a Transsexual Sports Organization that specifically recruits those of the human race that chop away, or add to their natural born appendages that wish to compete in organized athletics. I hereby seek nomination as an executive of any 'TSO' and declare myself seeking employment with such organization.
LGBTQly,
Alan Throttle
Moms
My Mom has been popping in and around our lab. If anybody sees her, please tell her she isn't allowed near our lab!
Thanks,
Chance
Thanks,
Chance
Top 3 Reasons Grandma Is Ready To Die
1) Medicare For All Won't Pay For Itself
Free and universal healthcare is something we desperately need in this country. If Alaskans want to be more progressive, like our neighbors in Canada, we should consider the pros and cons. One of those cons is letting go of some of the baggage. As Mayor Bloomberg has dutifully pointed out, there is no cure for cancer, and a 95-year-old isn't likely to make it anyways. On the bright side, this might be a pro too. Old folk smell bad, and they have shitty, racist stories about someplace called Vietnam and like boomer music like Alice in Chains.
2) She's Already a Drain on the System
Why does Grandma get to have free healthcare and social security? That sort of money should be going to younger folk who have a future. Oldies already got to get cheap housing back in the 70s, now it is our turn. Do these raisins expect to live forever or something?
3) Old Folks are Keeping Progress Back
I shouldn't have to say it, but Grandma's use of the word 'colored' is problematic. Also, old folks aren't big fans of transgendered rights, and few of them understand the plight of sex workers. A good number of them believe in things like 'God' and deny science, so it is the duty of scientists like us to be deniers about them! If it wasn't for old people, not only would we not have President Trump, but we could have had a President Bernie!
Free and universal healthcare is something we desperately need in this country. If Alaskans want to be more progressive, like our neighbors in Canada, we should consider the pros and cons. One of those cons is letting go of some of the baggage. As Mayor Bloomberg has dutifully pointed out, there is no cure for cancer, and a 95-year-old isn't likely to make it anyways. On the bright side, this might be a pro too. Old folk smell bad, and they have shitty, racist stories about someplace called Vietnam and like boomer music like Alice in Chains.
2) She's Already a Drain on the System
Why does Grandma get to have free healthcare and social security? That sort of money should be going to younger folk who have a future. Oldies already got to get cheap housing back in the 70s, now it is our turn. Do these raisins expect to live forever or something?
3) Old Folks are Keeping Progress Back
I shouldn't have to say it, but Grandma's use of the word 'colored' is problematic. Also, old folks aren't big fans of transgendered rights, and few of them understand the plight of sex workers. A good number of them believe in things like 'God' and deny science, so it is the duty of scientists like us to be deniers about them! If it wasn't for old people, not only would we not have President Trump, but we could have had a President Bernie!
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
Greetings, Alan Throttle here. As my counterpart Chance Rollick informed the masses, we at 'The Alaskan Pipeline' conduct tireless research on a daily basis. This research often takes us to places the average human being is not willing to go. But, us intellectuals at the 'Pipeline' bypass our own sanity to go to these undesirable places.
The most recent experiments conducted in our state of the art laboratory have revealed a shocking truth that the general public will not likely accept...right away. After multiple sleepless nights here at Alaskan Pipeline Headquarters, our tireless work has exposed a hard truth. The truth being that the oceans in their entirety here on Earth are in fact MEANT for our man made wastes. Elaboration shall ensue below.
WHY WE MUST USE THE OCEAN AS A GARBAGE RECEPTACLE:
Reason 1: Why would our Creator entitle us with such a large sum of the Earth that we cannot walk on? Surely, it is meant for vast use. If we have been blessed with such a space, we are obligated to use it intelligently.
Reason 2: Landfills are eyesores. What kind of imbecile wishes to see the the waste of others piled under our beautiful green ground.
Reason 3: Trash is incredibly abhorrent to our senses. Especially, our sense of smell. Why would we knowingly inhale fumes of toxicity when there is a vast place to submerge material.
Reason 4: We put our pets in great danger every day that we keep trash above water. Even subterranean trash can harm out pets. As any critically thinking man would know, DOGS DIG HOLES. Can you name a time you have seen a dog swim deep into the ocean or scale the surface of it? Neither can I.
Reason 5: Edible waste can be consumed by sea creatures that might not have been able to feed themselves otherwise.
My sympathies are extended to those who might argue against these 5 principles.
Exquisitely,
Alan Throttle
The most recent experiments conducted in our state of the art laboratory have revealed a shocking truth that the general public will not likely accept...right away. After multiple sleepless nights here at Alaskan Pipeline Headquarters, our tireless work has exposed a hard truth. The truth being that the oceans in their entirety here on Earth are in fact MEANT for our man made wastes. Elaboration shall ensue below.
WHY WE MUST USE THE OCEAN AS A GARBAGE RECEPTACLE:
Reason 1: Why would our Creator entitle us with such a large sum of the Earth that we cannot walk on? Surely, it is meant for vast use. If we have been blessed with such a space, we are obligated to use it intelligently.
Reason 2: Landfills are eyesores. What kind of imbecile wishes to see the the waste of others piled under our beautiful green ground.
Reason 3: Trash is incredibly abhorrent to our senses. Especially, our sense of smell. Why would we knowingly inhale fumes of toxicity when there is a vast place to submerge material.
Reason 4: We put our pets in great danger every day that we keep trash above water. Even subterranean trash can harm out pets. As any critically thinking man would know, DOGS DIG HOLES. Can you name a time you have seen a dog swim deep into the ocean or scale the surface of it? Neither can I.
Reason 5: Edible waste can be consumed by sea creatures that might not have been able to feed themselves otherwise.
My sympathies are extended to those who might argue against these 5 principles.
Exquisitely,
Alan Throttle
Hello, World.
Hello, World,
My name is Chance Rollick, and this is 'The Alaskan Pipeline.' Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' Alan Throttle and I look at what really matters. By day, we conduct experiments in our lab and by night we fight injustice by blogging about it.
The world just isn't fair sometimes, especially in Alaska. We hope that we can share our thoughts and make the world just a little better, one step at a time.
Yours,
Chance Rollick
NOTICE: We do not and never have had a connection to the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline nor do we represent the views of that business or the handsome, burly men that work on it.
My name is Chance Rollick, and this is 'The Alaskan Pipeline.' Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' Alan Throttle and I look at what really matters. By day, we conduct experiments in our lab and by night we fight injustice by blogging about it.
The world just isn't fair sometimes, especially in Alaska. We hope that we can share our thoughts and make the world just a little better, one step at a time.
Yours,
Chance Rollick
NOTICE: We do not and never have had a connection to the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline nor do we represent the views of that business or the handsome, burly men that work on it.
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