Fox News Should Be Illegal

Fox News should be illegal.

There, I said it.


Fox News has been spreading hate, lies, and stoking racial hatred for decades.

It's time to bring them to an end.

Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Yes, Blushing is White Privilege

Blushing is white privilege. Yes, you heard me. Blushing is white privilege.

White privilege shows up in all sorts of unexpected ways. Dark-skinned peoples cannot run safely; they cannot shop safely; they cannot drive safely. While all of these seem to be incredibly obvious ways white supremacy shows up in our daily lives, white supremacy works under the surface as well.

One socio-biological example of white supremacy in action is the social-construct surrounding blushing. Blushing is a privilege that white people get. It allows them to show anger, embarrassment, and affection in a way that other people simply CAN'T. This has dangerous consequences.

When a white man is angry, other people can see it and will stop angering him. When a black man is angry, others may not notice it and may resort to killing him.

If a white woman is embarrassed, people will stop saying things to her that cause her embarrassment. If a brown woman is embarrassed, nobody can notice this immediately.

If we want we be good white people, we need to recognize our everyday privileges.

Why Simpin' Is Cool

It's hard out there for a simp. In the last few weeks, the 'simp' meme has been taking the internet by storm. Good men like myself are being called simp, or ''sucker idolizing mediocre pussy,' for following, adoring, and supporting cam girls on the internet.

I think it is important for good conscience journalists like myself to take it upon themselves to defend the simp cause. I'm a simp for many reasons, and I'd like to take the time and put my blog to good use. Here are five reasons why being a simp is cool.

1) Feminism 

For all of history, we've been talking about HIS story, but it is time to talk about HER story. Men have expected women to fawn over them for generations, heck, centuries. We never called those women simps. We called them adoring wives or loyal. If a patriarchal man who uses women for his sexual pleasure is sometimes called a pimp, why shouldn't feminist men be simps?


2) The Pleasure

We all have our own fetishes. Some men, often called 'masochists,' get pleasure out of being put in there place. Unlike a lot of the negative and reactionary elements in our society, I think pleasure is a good thing! If you enjoy being put in your place by women, then go for it!


3) Capitalism 

Well, the internal contradictions of capitalism. Capitalism forces us to live to work. By supporting ladies in their underwear online, you are allowing them to exhaustless energy under our capitalist system.

4) The Environment

It is no secret that the environment is under threat (see 'Capitalism' above). One way we can help the environment is by having less or children. Devoting all of your energy and resources to a woman who will never love you back will prevent you from having kids, thus saving the environment.

5) Boobies

Did we mention boobies? (.)(.) tee-hee

Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.

Scientific Study Confirms What We Have All Been Thinking

A recent scientific study conducted by Harvard University has confirmed what we have all been thinking: that what we have all been thinking is true. The groundbreaking research is taking the world by storm; "I haven't seen anything like this in my lifetime," said Dr. Dirk Diggler, an expert in the field. This study is being corroborated by another study conducted by Oxford University in the United Kingdom, as well as the Japanese Institute for Science. While there may be some skeptical figures in our midst, the evidence is quickly stacking up in our favor.

Scientific Study Confirms Superiority of Twitter Users

A recent controversial study conducted by Harvard scientists, found at the link here, confirms what we have all known all along: Twitter users are genetically superior to non-Twitter users. In fact, the study goes as far as suggesting that the average non-internet user is genetically superior to the average YouTuber, but still far behind the base Twitter user. Twitter users have more gray brain matter, bigger biceps, less body fat, and paler skin. They also know how to use big words and the difference between there, they're, and their. YouTubers on average were found to be either chubby wubbly losers with neckbeards/permavirgins or preteens.

While the Twitter community is rejoicing at the news, the YouTube community still hasn't figured out how to read.

Ignorance is bliss.


- Chance Rollicks