Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.

Scientific Study Confirms What We Have All Been Thinking

A recent scientific study conducted by Harvard University has confirmed what we have all been thinking: that what we have all been thinking is true. The groundbreaking research is taking the world by storm; "I haven't seen anything like this in my lifetime," said Dr. Dirk Diggler, an expert in the field. This study is being corroborated by another study conducted by Oxford University in the United Kingdom, as well as the Japanese Institute for Science. While there may be some skeptical figures in our midst, the evidence is quickly stacking up in our favor.

Scientific Study Confirms Superiority of Twitter Users

A recent controversial study conducted by Harvard scientists, found at the link here, confirms what we have all known all along: Twitter users are genetically superior to non-Twitter users. In fact, the study goes as far as suggesting that the average non-internet user is genetically superior to the average YouTuber, but still far behind the base Twitter user. Twitter users have more gray brain matter, bigger biceps, less body fat, and paler skin. They also know how to use big words and the difference between there, they're, and their. YouTubers on average were found to be either chubby wubbly losers with neckbeards/permavirgins or preteens.

While the Twitter community is rejoicing at the news, the YouTube community still hasn't figured out how to read.

Ignorance is bliss.


- Chance Rollicks

My Time in a Cock Cage - A Review of a Week in Pain

     
I made it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I made it. I made it one whole damn week wearing a contraption quite similar to the one pictured above. I did it for science, and, more importantly, I did it for journalism.

I have long heard of those men, some odd variant of 'cucks,' who wear these contraptions. It prevents them from getting a true and proper boner while their misses are being fadoodled by other men. I had long wondered what it must feel like to be trapped in one of those machines. This last week, I found out.

One week ago, my cock cage arrived at Alan and I's pandemic cabin outside of Fairbanks. Obviously, it wasn't a good idea to allow somebody who might be carrying that dreaded plague so close to our abode, but I had a cock cage to try on, and Alan had to get to training with his set of five-pound weights.

Shamefully, I locked my cock in my tiny little silvery cage. I handed Alan the key and told him not to set me free for a week. Oh, what dread, what misery did my precious little cock feel in this last week. Oh, I wish I were dead. I couldn't get a boner, and I couldn't perform my weekly masturbatory ritual. When I peeed, it leaked out of a hole and all over the floor. I envied free men and learned to hate those who expose themselves to this sort of suffering.

Please, God, if you are there, do not let me ever undergo something like this ever again. I have learned what agony means. I think I might have some sort of yeast infection and, therefore, now know how women feel.

Until next time....Chance Rollicks...signing off.

Cock Cage Notice

Chance here. This is a notice letting everybody know that I will be wearing a cock cage for the next week. This is a scientific and journalistic experiment. Please wish me luck. Your prayers are welcome.

How to Chat Up 21st Century Boys - A Guide for Gays

 NOTICE. This article was written in collaboration with our friend and fan of the blog Harvey Dawson. The thoughts are Harvey's, the words are Chance's. This article should not be misconstrued to suggest that either Chance Rollicks or Alan Throttle have ever been in a sexual relationship with a man other than the local youth pastor.



We are now two decades into the 21st-century, and it is increasingly difficult to chat-up hot, oiled-up boys. Now that homosexuality is more accepted by society, gay men don't give it up so easily. We too have become bourgeoise and coy about our desires.  In the past, the average stuff-muffin beefcake would fuck and suck as much as he could because he didn't know where his next dick would come from. Now conversation and dating are what the hunkiest hunky-hunks expect. Boy times have changed. Now even Grindr is full of pacified gays looking for relationships and conversations about what is best in life. What are we? Lesbians?

Tyrese says no. I say no too.
 

I wanted to give some tips on how I chat up guys. Hot guys like Tyrese. No fatties, no wimps, only pure big-muscled Athenian boys and Spartans with humungous javelins.

It's really oh so simple. First, you just need to send a nice hot message to their inbox:



Second, well, there is no second. After sending a hot message like this, most guys (particularly straights) will reject what you lay on the table. They aren't ready for their steaming hot TV-Dinner yet. What you need to do is continue to chat them up. Say sorry. Compliment them. Even the straights will try not to come across as homophobic and will continue talking to you. That is when you can begin to exploit their latent homosexuality. Nobody is purely heterosexual."Ever been curious, young man?" "It's like putting a beer bottle in your mouth, handsome."

That is how you start talking to qt-ies on the internet today. From there, it is only an oily, slippery slope to the bedroom and, yes, maybe even a manly relationship between two handsome Adonises.

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

Does this Crisis Show that it is Time for Alaska to Secede?

With great trepidation, I ask myself this question every day now. I was raised as a good 'American' and believe that this Union is 'indivisible and with justice for all.' I know that even the idea of secession has been tainted by its racist legacy and the evils associated with it. It is no surprise that it was the South, the worst part of the country by all means, that seceded in the Civil War because of, you guessed it, racism and oft threatened to under President Obama because of, you guessed it racism.

But sometimes, I wonder. We are now in a time of crisis. Trump, who I will not call "President," has been allowing Americans to suffer needlessly. In fact, he probably likes it. It's no wonder that the states hardest hit by this scourge have been the ones he hates the most. It's no wonder that he has tried his hardest to keep PPE and ventilators for states, racist states, that support him like redneck Alabama and incestuous Georiga. Once upon a time, Republican-types seceded from this nation because they couldn't deal with living with good liberals like us. Now it is time for some of us to think of seceding from them.

Alaska, in reality, should have always been its own country. We are separated from the continental United States by Canada. We are culturally more adventurous and have a distinct flavor. I think this is, in large part, to the Native American communities of our state.

Our secession from the Union, and perhaps annexation by Canada, would give us the opportunity to write a Constitution of our own. If we progressives played our cards right, we could make sure we have enough seats at the ratification debates and get us a few nice things, like Medicare-For-All and a Constitutionally-guaranteed right for a woman to choose. I'd suggest we limit the powers that former Republicans can hold, for racism, and that that can be held by "Bernie Bros," for misogyny. The Founding Fathers limited the power of Tories (aka Conservatives, which is not a coincidence), why shouldn't we?

More importantly, we'd be able to devote large parts of Alaska to conservation. This state would no longer be under threat from the federal government. They would no longer have the ability to arbitrarily exploit our land or our resources. We would be free.

Perhaps some people have had deeper thoughts on this?