Why We Need a Dwarf President (Preferably Black)

The history of American Presidents has been male, pale, and stale. Out of all 45 Presidents we've had, only one has been a POC despite POCs making up more than a quarter of the country's population. One must also take into account that woman make up 51% of the population but have been a whopping 0% of all Presidents.

How are POC and women supposed to thrive in a country that doesn't give them political power?

I believe it is time we start implementing affirmative action efforts in politics despite the qualifications or party of the person in office.

But with all of this talk about minority and women Presidents, I think we have forgotten another neglected segment of our society: the handicapped. Sure, FDR had polio, and Buchannan was gay, but we've never really made progress on that front.

It is my sincere recommendation that we begin thinking about electing more people with dwarfism to political office, perhaps even to the Presidency.





Anybody who has suffered a life with dwarfism has already suffered more than any President in history and will, therefore, more emphatic to his or her constituents.

It would also send a message to the world that anybody can make it in America.

Bud Light made me gay

It has become a recent, needed feature of American life that companies show their solidarity with the gay community. There is no better way to prove bigots wrong. We have the mighty on your side, they have the scum of the earth. Every June, companies around the world show their support by making their products and social media extra-gay friendly. Rainbow flags here, a lesbian couple there, it's all really great.

But I want to thank them for more than just that. I want to thank them because Bud Light made me gay.

A few years ago, I was straight. Actually, I still identify primarily as straight. However, for one special night in 2015, I was gay because of Bud Light.

It all started when I walked into that bar and ordered a Bud Light with lime. A couple of nice fellas approached me and sparked up a conversation. They were enchanting, and one of them bought me a few more Bud Lights with lime. As the night went on, I got drunker and wilder, and the room started getting hotter and hotter. I started feeling tremendously horny, but, to my chagrin, there were no ladies in the bar that night.

I'll spare the dirty details, but I want to once again thank the Budweiser corporation and those handsome young men for what happened next.

Protests in Anchorage

(Photo from June 2nd in Anchorage)

The protests against the police have finally reached Alaska, and I was on the front lines as both an activist and as a journalist. It is unbelievable what I saw yesterday, so I'll just let pictures do the storytelling.

Fox News Should Be Illegal

Fox News should be illegal.

There, I said it.


Fox News has been spreading hate, lies, and stoking racial hatred for decades.

It's time to bring them to an end.

Leaving Quarantine

It pains me to say this, but after nearly two months of continual quarantine at our Fairbanks cabin, Alan Throttle and I are leaving quarantine.

I know it's still dangerous out there. I know that people are sick, even dying. I know that I am putting hundreds of thousands of Alaska at risk by driving from Fairbanks to Alaska, given that I might unknowingly be carrying this pest. But we need to leave.

Alan's cousin Ricky has decided to sell the cabin and has given us 48 hours to vacate the property. In a drunken stupor, Alan threatened Ricky, and Ricky has now given us only six hours to vacate the property.

I'd hold out as long as I can here, but those bastards in the Alaskan State Troopers would have no qualms beating an innocent journalist to death. That is their modus operandi.

See you from Anchorage or see you in Heaven,

Chance Rollicks 

Yes, Blushing is White Privilege

Blushing is white privilege. Yes, you heard me. Blushing is white privilege.

White privilege shows up in all sorts of unexpected ways. Dark-skinned peoples cannot run safely; they cannot shop safely; they cannot drive safely. While all of these seem to be incredibly obvious ways white supremacy shows up in our daily lives, white supremacy works under the surface as well.

One socio-biological example of white supremacy in action is the social-construct surrounding blushing. Blushing is a privilege that white people get. It allows them to show anger, embarrassment, and affection in a way that other people simply CAN'T. This has dangerous consequences.

When a white man is angry, other people can see it and will stop angering him. When a black man is angry, others may not notice it and may resort to killing him.

If a white woman is embarrassed, people will stop saying things to her that cause her embarrassment. If a brown woman is embarrassed, nobody can notice this immediately.

If we want we be good white people, we need to recognize our everyday privileges.

Why Simpin' Is Cool

It's hard out there for a simp. In the last few weeks, the 'simp' meme has been taking the internet by storm. Good men like myself are being called simp, or ''sucker idolizing mediocre pussy,' for following, adoring, and supporting cam girls on the internet.

I think it is important for good conscience journalists like myself to take it upon themselves to defend the simp cause. I'm a simp for many reasons, and I'd like to take the time and put my blog to good use. Here are five reasons why being a simp is cool.

1) Feminism 

For all of history, we've been talking about HIS story, but it is time to talk about HER story. Men have expected women to fawn over them for generations, heck, centuries. We never called those women simps. We called them adoring wives or loyal. If a patriarchal man who uses women for his sexual pleasure is sometimes called a pimp, why shouldn't feminist men be simps?


2) The Pleasure

We all have our own fetishes. Some men, often called 'masochists,' get pleasure out of being put in there place. Unlike a lot of the negative and reactionary elements in our society, I think pleasure is a good thing! If you enjoy being put in your place by women, then go for it!


3) Capitalism 

Well, the internal contradictions of capitalism. Capitalism forces us to live to work. By supporting ladies in their underwear online, you are allowing them to exhaustless energy under our capitalist system.

4) The Environment

It is no secret that the environment is under threat (see 'Capitalism' above). One way we can help the environment is by having less or children. Devoting all of your energy and resources to a woman who will never love you back will prevent you from having kids, thus saving the environment.

5) Boobies

Did we mention boobies? (.)(.) tee-hee

Why Joe Biden is Innocent

An accusation against our next President has been circulating around on the internet on right-wing rag websites like Fox News and the New York Times. Here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' it is our responsibility as respectable journalists to snuff out such filthy rumors.

The rumors are being spread by one Tara Reade, a Russian agent, who is most definitely untrustworthy. But the rumors don't matter anyway; it is impossible for Joe Biden to do what he had done.

You see, our next President has a disability that prevents him from raping women: he is simple. Simple men like him cannot initiate sex. In fact, all of his children must have been created at the insistence of his spouses, who certainly stole his innocence. Like Forrest Gump being raped by Jenny, Biden is the victim here, not Tara Reade.

I rest my case.

Scientific Study Confirms What We Have All Been Thinking

A recent scientific study conducted by Harvard University has confirmed what we have all been thinking: that what we have all been thinking is true. The groundbreaking research is taking the world by storm; "I haven't seen anything like this in my lifetime," said Dr. Dirk Diggler, an expert in the field. This study is being corroborated by another study conducted by Oxford University in the United Kingdom, as well as the Japanese Institute for Science. While there may be some skeptical figures in our midst, the evidence is quickly stacking up in our favor.

Scientific Study Confirms Superiority of Twitter Users

A recent controversial study conducted by Harvard scientists, found at the link here, confirms what we have all known all along: Twitter users are genetically superior to non-Twitter users. In fact, the study goes as far as suggesting that the average non-internet user is genetically superior to the average YouTuber, but still far behind the base Twitter user. Twitter users have more gray brain matter, bigger biceps, less body fat, and paler skin. They also know how to use big words and the difference between there, they're, and their. YouTubers on average were found to be either chubby wubbly losers with neckbeards/permavirgins or preteens.

While the Twitter community is rejoicing at the news, the YouTube community still hasn't figured out how to read.

Ignorance is bliss.


- Chance Rollicks

My Time in a Cock Cage - A Review of a Week in Pain

     
I made it. I can't believe I am saying this, but I made it. I made it one whole damn week wearing a contraption quite similar to the one pictured above. I did it for science, and, more importantly, I did it for journalism.

I have long heard of those men, some odd variant of 'cucks,' who wear these contraptions. It prevents them from getting a true and proper boner while their misses are being fadoodled by other men. I had long wondered what it must feel like to be trapped in one of those machines. This last week, I found out.

One week ago, my cock cage arrived at Alan and I's pandemic cabin outside of Fairbanks. Obviously, it wasn't a good idea to allow somebody who might be carrying that dreaded plague so close to our abode, but I had a cock cage to try on, and Alan had to get to training with his set of five-pound weights.

Shamefully, I locked my cock in my tiny little silvery cage. I handed Alan the key and told him not to set me free for a week. Oh, what dread, what misery did my precious little cock feel in this last week. Oh, I wish I were dead. I couldn't get a boner, and I couldn't perform my weekly masturbatory ritual. When I peeed, it leaked out of a hole and all over the floor. I envied free men and learned to hate those who expose themselves to this sort of suffering.

Please, God, if you are there, do not let me ever undergo something like this ever again. I have learned what agony means. I think I might have some sort of yeast infection and, therefore, now know how women feel.

Until next time....Chance Rollicks...signing off.

Cock Cage Notice

Chance here. This is a notice letting everybody know that I will be wearing a cock cage for the next week. This is a scientific and journalistic experiment. Please wish me luck. Your prayers are welcome.

How to Chat Up 21st Century Boys - A Guide for Gays

 NOTICE. This article was written in collaboration with our friend and fan of the blog Harvey Dawson. The thoughts are Harvey's, the words are Chance's. This article should not be misconstrued to suggest that either Chance Rollicks or Alan Throttle have ever been in a sexual relationship with a man other than the local youth pastor.



We are now two decades into the 21st-century, and it is increasingly difficult to chat-up hot, oiled-up boys. Now that homosexuality is more accepted by society, gay men don't give it up so easily. We too have become bourgeoise and coy about our desires.  In the past, the average stuff-muffin beefcake would fuck and suck as much as he could because he didn't know where his next dick would come from. Now conversation and dating are what the hunkiest hunky-hunks expect. Boy times have changed. Now even Grindr is full of pacified gays looking for relationships and conversations about what is best in life. What are we? Lesbians?

Tyrese says no. I say no too.
 

I wanted to give some tips on how I chat up guys. Hot guys like Tyrese. No fatties, no wimps, only pure big-muscled Athenian boys and Spartans with humungous javelins.

It's really oh so simple. First, you just need to send a nice hot message to their inbox:



Second, well, there is no second. After sending a hot message like this, most guys (particularly straights) will reject what you lay on the table. They aren't ready for their steaming hot TV-Dinner yet. What you need to do is continue to chat them up. Say sorry. Compliment them. Even the straights will try not to come across as homophobic and will continue talking to you. That is when you can begin to exploit their latent homosexuality. Nobody is purely heterosexual."Ever been curious, young man?" "It's like putting a beer bottle in your mouth, handsome."

That is how you start talking to qt-ies on the internet today. From there, it is only an oily, slippery slope to the bedroom and, yes, maybe even a manly relationship between two handsome Adonises.

Alan Throttle here again.

It has come to my attention that a certain group of companies in the United States have yet to show any concern about the Kovid-19 pandemic. That's right, you guessed it. I'm talking about the hand sanitizer industrial complex. I wouldn't even be surprised if they had a HAND in the creation of this virus themselves. I'd go so far as to say that the .1 percent of germs that hand sanitizer doesn't kill, is easily transferred by bats. This would explain the rabid spread of the coronavirus. If I have learned anything as an Alaskan, it's that we can't trust the Chinese, and we sure as hell can't trust companies that sell sanitation products.

Chiropterally,
Alan Throttle

Does this Crisis Show that it is Time for Alaska to Secede?

With great trepidation, I ask myself this question every day now. I was raised as a good 'American' and believe that this Union is 'indivisible and with justice for all.' I know that even the idea of secession has been tainted by its racist legacy and the evils associated with it. It is no surprise that it was the South, the worst part of the country by all means, that seceded in the Civil War because of, you guessed it, racism and oft threatened to under President Obama because of, you guessed it racism.

But sometimes, I wonder. We are now in a time of crisis. Trump, who I will not call "President," has been allowing Americans to suffer needlessly. In fact, he probably likes it. It's no wonder that the states hardest hit by this scourge have been the ones he hates the most. It's no wonder that he has tried his hardest to keep PPE and ventilators for states, racist states, that support him like redneck Alabama and incestuous Georiga. Once upon a time, Republican-types seceded from this nation because they couldn't deal with living with good liberals like us. Now it is time for some of us to think of seceding from them.

Alaska, in reality, should have always been its own country. We are separated from the continental United States by Canada. We are culturally more adventurous and have a distinct flavor. I think this is, in large part, to the Native American communities of our state.

Our secession from the Union, and perhaps annexation by Canada, would give us the opportunity to write a Constitution of our own. If we progressives played our cards right, we could make sure we have enough seats at the ratification debates and get us a few nice things, like Medicare-For-All and a Constitutionally-guaranteed right for a woman to choose. I'd suggest we limit the powers that former Republicans can hold, for racism, and that that can be held by "Bernie Bros," for misogyny. The Founding Fathers limited the power of Tories (aka Conservatives, which is not a coincidence), why shouldn't we?

More importantly, we'd be able to devote large parts of Alaska to conservation. This state would no longer be under threat from the federal government. They would no longer have the ability to arbitrarily exploit our land or our resources. We would be free.

Perhaps some people have had deeper thoughts on this?

Getting My Ass Kicked by a Woman Changed My World

I always thought that I was one of those people who always stood firmly on the side of progress. A teenaged me was was tempted to purchase a forged ID off of a sketchy classmate just to be able to register to vote. I was going to vote for President Obama because he deserved it after all of his hard work saving the country from the mess that George 'Dubya' Bush and the Republicans had recreated. I figured I'd get caught and embarass the progressive cause, so I gave up on that one. In 2016, I handed out pamphlets for Madam Rodham-Clinton. I figured that if she didn't win, the world would come to an end. I realize now that many of my fears were exaggerated, but Trump, who I will not refer to as 'President,' needs to be voted out of office this fall. Otherwise, I fear for the worse.

Despite my progressive credentials, I didn't always act like a good progressive. I held some views that were, well, a bit sexist. I always believed, I always claimed that women were entitled to the same things as men and that their advancement should be supported by affirmative action. Still, I thought that I was certainly better than all women in one thing: hand-to-hand combat.

I thought that my male strength and body size was an advantage, but one day I got my ass kicked by a woman. That changed my perspective forever and led me down a path of repentance.

It was a few years ago now, I believe in 2017. Alan and I drove up to Fairbanks from Anchorage. We spent a couple of weeks hanging out with my cousins, who are local to the Fairbanks area. One night, we all went out to a local bar visited by local people. The place was like something out of an old movie. I thought I was on the set of "Roadhouse." People were even smoking in there, which I think is against Alaskan law. The bartenders didn't seem to care. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Somebody even did coke off of a table in the corner.

Not long after settling into my seat, I saw the most beautiful, the most scintillating woman I ever saw in my life. I ordered margarita after margarita trying to get drunk enough to be confident enough to chat her up. I was terrified, shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her beauty. She had long blonde locks and thick red lips. Her eyes, I presumed, were hazel. Eventually, I worked up the courage to approach her from across the room. She noticed me as I approached her.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I just wanted to let you know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," I slurred.

"I appreciate the compliment, but I am taken," she replied.

"By whom?" I said, always sure to use my who and whom correctly.

"By her," she pointed to a large butch woman next to her. This woman was large, buff, tattoed, and had an eyebrow ring of a viper. I began to laugh.

"Something funny?" the butch lady snarled.

"Oh, no. No," I started, "I just thought that was a joke."

"No, that wasn't a joke, but this is," the butch proceeded to splash her drink in my face. It burnt my eyes. She continued by tearing off my glasses and throwing them across the bar. They split in two as they hit the wall. I was as blind as a bat and helpless in the dark, smoky room. Still sitting, the butch lady threw her thick knee into my crotch and told me "to get the fuck out" of her sight.

I spent the remainder of the evening, hell, the rest of my two-weeks in Fairbanks, with swollen testes and broken glasses. I got my ass kicked by a woman. That night, I learned that no matter what a man can do, there is always a woman who can do better.

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH FURRIES?

Alan Throttle here.

When you hear the word "furry," you probably think of your pet dog, hamster, or favorite rug. Apparently, furry means something else, and let me tell you, reader discretion is advised. 

Chance and I ventured deep into the Twitterverse in search of interesting people to interview, and oh boy did we find a few...

In the Continental United States there is a community of repugnant humans that dress up as animals and engage in orgies. They call themselves "furries".

Upon requesting any and all furries to explain themselves to us via Twitter, a furry named "Ender" reached out to the official Pipeline Twitter account. We asked him(?) for a general description of the furry lifestyle and we were met with a slightly obtuse response. Ender told us that furries "act like they're humans in public" to avoid scrutiny from society. Ender however, implied that he got into the lifestyle because he was interested in the artistic aspects, whatever those might be remain undisclosed. He(?) did also imply that the furry community is most definitely sexual in nature (like we didn't already know that).

In the furry lifestyle, race is non existent. However, in place of race, furries have various species. A list of species that roam the furry universe was given to us by Ender:

-canine

-feline

-cervine (is that even a thing?)

-reptile

-avian

-other creatures that "walk on two legs"

Ender considers himself a hyena because he likes spotted colors and laughing, and no, I'm not joking. I do however wonder if the stereo-typically powerful species are prejudice towards the weak ones. I like to imagine a furry lion establishes sexual dominance over all other furry creatures, just as Alan Throttle the Lion would do. They're freaky, but not prevalent in Alaska, so whatever. 

Furrily,

Alan Throttle

The Mysterious Worlds of Cuckoldry, Sex Work, and E-Girls

Over here at 'The Alaskan Pipeline,' we have been doing a deep dive into the dark underworld of sex work. Well, not really, not quite. As it turns out, this world is no longer so dark, nor is it still 'the underworld.' In fact, it is right before our eyes in full-color. It is on our computer monitors and on our phones. It can be accessed rather easily through Twitter.
I suppose one could claim that there is a Twitter 'underworld,' but they'd be mistaken. Unlike the days of yore, one doesn't have to go far or wander into an unseemly part of town to find what one is looking for.



While I've been sitting in my Alaskan wilderness cabin escaping the pending doom of the coronavirus and munching away at bearberries, Alan Throttle has been busily traveling the Twitterrealm to get the inside scoop on e-girls. Unfortunately, some of these girls are as secretive as a Masonic Lodge and as greedy as a two-bit Televangelist. Most refuse to answer our questions. Most demanded some sort of monetary recompense.








Of course, I don't want to sound cruel at all. Life is hard. Time is money. Alan Throtte's Purell breath can be smelt from a mile away and, some might say, even via computer monitor. I'd probably ignore him too.  One lady, not an e-girl per se but a master 'alpha female,' was kind enough to answer our questions on the 'cuckold' lifestyle. Cuckoldry has made a bit of a comeback in recent years. It is now a term of derision nearly as frequently as it was in Shakespeare's time.






Queen Mia (@miaandrewsxo) on Twitter was kind enough to answer a few of Alan Throttle's questions and was quite helpful. Apparently, there is a good deal of money to go around.





I personally can't imagine giving up my money to be put in my place, but whatever floats peoples' metaphorical boats. Frankly, if these guys really are into such things, it is better that they pay women like Queen Mia to treat them like dirt rather than annoy the rest of society with their masochistic tendencies. In an earlier time, these men might have visited actual brothels and have been put at risk. In the digital world, there are few (if any) violent pimps. There is a lack of associated gang violence, drugs, disease, etc. It's also much more anonymous. If anybody objects to the proliferation of prostitution, they must recognize the world of e-girls as a step up. Queen Mia's work is hardly pornographic, and it fulfills the desires of the weaklings that adore her enough to keep them away from risky business.


 (Picture provided with permission by Queen Mia)

Still, the exploitive nature of many of these interactions is a serious concern. The relative ease in which somebody could enter into this world removes the numerous opportunities to reconsider one's actions that existed in the pre-internet age.

So what about the other side of the equation?

Alan Throttle managed to score a private interview with a man who calls himself a "submissive." The man's identity will remain anonymous, but his comments give us an insight into this world. He says he has always been submissive, and that nobody knows his secret, not even his friends.

Yet, he may never live a life as a submissive man. He wants to, like many of us, live a traditional life. When asked if he would ever be a cuckold, he answered: 






This is all, of course, just scratching the surface. Our investigative journalism might just take us further, deeper into this world.